Reviewed: Weird Shit (no, I'm serious)

Just got back from Taiwan and in one of the rooms of one of the hotels I stayed in, was this. Automatic toilet.

You probably tried one of these before but if you haven't, here's the review.

Firstly, heated seat! My biggest peeve whenever I plonk my butt on public sitting toilets is that warm feeling from someone else's butt who sat on it before you walked in.

Obviously I'm not gonna owl on the toilet seats - heard some dude losing his balance in a nearby stall once. BAM! onto the wet, cold toilet floor.

So back to the seat. Heated seat! Feels weird at first but it grows on you. In an odd, pleasant way.

Instead of the standard Malaysian toilet console, consisting of a toilet paper holder and a tap with a hose attached to it, you'd get a series of buttons on the wall. Each button comes with a specific function (refer to picture, click on it to enlarge) and for a strange reason, and also part of being a guy, the instruction manual is the last thing I read.

So curious me went on a poking spree.

First button i poked shot cold water up my back door. Might be pleasant to some section of society but to me, it was shocking. Heart says jump away! Head replied - you kidding? Jump up now and you'd have your whole back drenched and possibly slip and fall, dead in a toilet like Elvis.

So frantically i pressed on the second button. Way hey! Butt spray stopped but replaced with balls blaster. I'm sure most women (and dare i say, some men) might enjoy the second button but obviously not me.

Third button! Instead of turning it off, I heard a whirring sound from underneath. It bloody controls the thing! Again, some might make full use of the back and forth spraying but not me.

Fourth button! Oh hell. Skip that. Fifth button!

You know Game of Thrones's first book is titled "Song of Fire and Ice"?

Yep. That's what i sang. First water, now hot air is blown up my crotch area. Most pleasant of the other four buttons i must say. But in the end - after the whole ordeal, i came to notice the manual and yep - Fourth button means stop. Lucky I managed to skip the Pressure Gauge button.